3G-Sutra

Ever since I've gotten my hands on the iPhone, it has allowed me to access the web in many locations that I wouldn't normally be able to. And I mean it. I do not have to be stuck at a desk but I can take advantage of the gadget's size and bring it with me during my morning routine on the throne.

However the more I use it, the more I realize that the internet speeds differ at different locations of the house. Naturally, since this uses the phone provider's 3G services, it is akin to getting better phone reception at certain places. Surfing on Safari is a joy because of its almost instantaneous loading times... but if the 3G services are not living up to their billing it can be equally as frustrating as using dial-up.

This led me to do a test to find out the best spot for internet surfing. I had a stopwatch and used Safari to load 3 pages one after another at different locations - Facebook, Soccernet and my blog.

The first most obvious location was the couch on the living room. It took just under 2 minutes to fully load those 3 pages. Not too bad actually. I then moved a few steps away to the dining area and got half that time.

The toilet got a similar time to the living room but the bedroom was the worst with 3min and 20s. There is one thing I observed when I did this test - that in all those areas, 3G services were very intermittent. If it kicked in, the page loaded very fast - and if it didn't then tough luck. When I did the toilet times again I found that it varies quite substantially.

There is one place in the house which excels at this test and posts consistent times of under 1 minute every single time. It is also a place in which there is uninterrupted 3G coverage. I must say I discovered it by accident...

The best spot! - On the railing at the top of the staircase

I don't really know how it started, but it must have been a time when I was waiting for the page to load while I was shuttling between rooms or the toilet and just left it on the railing. Whatever it was, I definitely struck gold!

Well, I've stopped looking for better locations now because it seems that even if the results can beat the 50+ seconds benchmark it would mean having to sacrifice my comfort. What if I get a 30+ second result for this test under the fridge? Or beside the water tank in the roof? Nah... I don't want to find out and then go through settling for second best.

$h!t!

Everybody swears. They all do. Even the most docile of characters have some swear words lying dormant within them - ready to be utilized if sufficiently provoked. Now the World Cup is about to kick off today and we already have some odd news.

Wayne Rooney will find his temperament under even greater scrutiny in England’s opening World Cup fixture on Saturday.

It emerged last night that the match officials have taken a crash course in English swearwords as part of a crackdown on abusive language.

Rooney has already been warned about his temperament by Fabio Capello, the England manager, and by Jeff Selogilwe, the South African referee who booked him and accused him of using foul and abusive language during the final warm-up match, against Platinum Stars on Monday.

Now the temperamental striker will be alarmed to learn that Carlos Eugênio Simon, who will referee England’s first group C match against the United States in Rustenburg, and his assistants have been given a list of 20 English profanities to clamp down on.

Hahah! I mean seriously? Referees already have many things to worry about during the game and the last thing they need is to reach into their pockets for a small flashcard and worrying about translations.

I'm not one to pepper my speech with profanities, but I do recognize their place in popular culture. Consider this exchange between two actors in a particular movie.

J : You used this towel?

V : Yeah, to dry my hands.

J : Didn't you wash them with soap first?

V: I did. But its hard to get it off.

J : I used the same soap you did!

Not very interesting is it? 'No kick' as they say. That was from the movie Pulp Fiction and featured a conversation between Jules and Vincent who were cleaning their blood-soaked hands. Somehow I don't think Pulp Fiction would have been as iconic as it is had it been censored to such a degree. Here is the colorful version in its full glory...if you're interested. - LINK

It is said that Wayne Rooney's passion for the game has often been misunderstood as anger. It is just an outlet for him to release his frustrations on the pitch. Well its definitely better than head-butting an opponent in the chest... and here's where he can learn from us Malaysians.

We are a multilingual society - and that means we are capable of cursing in more than 1 language or dialect. Fabio Capello should teach his players to swear in other languages so they do not risk losing. I mean if the players cannot vent their anger in their normal ways, it will definitely affect their performance. All that rage within them will turn them green like Hulks. Unless its Rooney - then its green like Shrek. They've been training for 4 years for this one moment (swearing all the way through their qualification I'm sure) and now you ask them to change the night before? Impossible!

Sobering Up

It was quite late in the evening when this man approached the counter. You can smell him from quite a distance away... he had been drinking quite heavily. Either that or he had been soaking in a jacuzzi full of beer.

Uncle : 'Gi-gi-give me this...er....what is it...you know...the one for flu? Wh-wh-white colour one, quite big tablet, not sleepy wan.'

I showed him Clarinase.

Me : ' This one? Clarinase?'

Uncle : 'No-no-no. Not this one. This is Clarityne. I don't want Cl-cl-clarityne. I want the other one for flu. The bi-big round one.'

Me : 'You sure its not this one? This is not Clarityne, its Clar-'

Uncle : 'Yea yea, not this one. I'm ve-very sure. Hang on let me ca-call... call my wife.'

I left the Clarinase with the box on the counter and attended to another customer while he made the call.

Uncle : '(After the call) Yea my wife said its the big, white round tablet...'

Me : '(Pointing to the box of Clarinase that was still on the counter) Is this the one? Clarinase?'

Uncle: 'Yes! This is the one! Clarinase!'

So... two facts.

Fact No. 1 Alcohol messes up with the brain's cognitive abilities and renders it ineffectual. Its like a train that pulls up a few metres short of the station - no one can get on or off to make use of it.

Fact No. 2 Nothing sobers a man more (and/or faster) than a conversation with his wife.

Sore Loser

I've had my PSP for a couple of years now and it has entertained me through the many ups and downs in my life. A game in which I have logged a considerable amount of time on is Winning Eleven (or Pro Evolution Soccer).

Initially I started with the easiest level available in the Master League setting and then when I started winning by at least 5 goals in each match, raise the difficulty by one level. Winning on a higher level may be difficult at first, but with time and patience, you can beat the machine (As opposed to playing against another human where more is required. You must always be wary of dirty tactics - like your opponent messing with your controller when you are about to score...not that I do that kind of thing).

On the subject of playing with another human gamer, there are also emotions to consider. Like if you constantly leave your gaming partner eating the dust in your latest duel. There are people who thrive on this kind of challenge, they resolve to get back at you and make you eat humble pie. And then there are also people who are sore losers... eventually you'll have one less gaming partner because they will be very reluctant to play with you.

Recently my PSP started acting like a human.

I've been playing at the 5th highest level of difficulty (out of 6) for some time and have been winning a bit too comfortably. After this current Master League season I'll probably start playing one level higher. Then Mr Pee-Ass-Pee started pulling this stunt.

Each time the ball is in my possession, it will somehow revert to the Quit Menu. Even worse - the game doesn't pause itself! What a low blow. Main belakang ni...

The Quit Menu can only be accessed by pressing the HOME button on the bottom left corner of the screen and as you can see in the video my finger was no where near it. I had to press the HOME button again to get out of the menu.

To say its irritating is an understatement. There are few things in this world that are more annoying than Justin Bieber and his songs but I'd rather put a mop on my head and sing 'Baby baby baby ooooh~!' than be unjustly cut off when Gerrard is about to score from 30 yards out. But I guess I'd better let it win once in a while. After all you know what happen when you try to call someone who is very bad at losing over for a game. They ignore your call and messages or make up excuses. One day Mr PSP may not turn up for the game at all.

Happy Hour

The heat wave that we had some time back seems to be replaced by days and days of rain. It was not too long ago that Facebook was filled with countless status updates about how people will die if they do not have rain soon, how their brains could not function in the heat and so on (and even if it did rain there will be multiple updates to say its not the kind of rain that they wanted). I actually loved the heat wave. I was thankful for it because it meant a couple of months doing easy gardening.

Everything in my garden wilted and died...except for the plants that I chose to shower my watery mercy upon. And this was excellent! Suddenly I had lots of time to do other things. However, good things never last. A brief spell of rain and...

Opportunity cost = 2 hrs on the PSP

Its never easy to nurse a plant you want to fruition, but these undesirable shrubs hardly need any encouragement. If I remember my high school biology right, pollens are like plant male sperms. And they need to travel somewhere to fertilize the female component. They normally can't copulate on their own and they need to rely on some trigger to move them about physically. As I did the gardening last weekend it occurred to me "Damn! I'm facilitating plant sex!"

Inter-species copulation

Goodness! I was like a bartender handing out free drinks in a singles (and desperate) only bar! The birds and the bees were probably putting in their fair share as well but I think I was the only one that realized that I had been sucker-punched. Well the bees get a kick out of doing it - they get nectar for their efforts, I get allergies.

There is a way around this problem. The plans include building a concrete wall around the perimeter of the house (reducing the weeds and shrubs from growing through the porous green fencing at the moment) and getting some professional landscaping done (low-maintenance carpet grass). This costs money.

Not wanting to pile on more debts, this is a solution that can only be achieved later rather than sooner. So I'll let the weeds win for now. One day lah...you watch out. When the laborers are doing the concrete wall and the landscapers busy with their work, I'll make sure I blast Semisonic's 'Closing Time' over and over again, especially the part before the chorus 'You don't have to go home but you can't stay here!' If talking and singing to plants make them grow better, this is psychological waterboarding.

Till then, come get your free drinks! Last call is still a long way off.

Here Horsey

Ever thought of owning a horse? Check out the advert below.

I must say I've never thought a horse will be as cheap as RM 1300 each. Some more you buy 4 you get Rm1000 each only! That's empat ekor! Wow! One Honda EX5 Dream costs more than that! Some more if you notice the ad to the right, satu ekor anjing is way more expensive. Pound for pound, the furrier one costs a fortune.

If I had a bigger garage...hmm, I may just ride to work everyday.

Ketua Perangkap Tikus

Britain has a new Prime Minister. While David Cameron may have been very busy in appointing ministers and officials to key government positions, there is one post that greatly interests me. That is the position of Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office (this title - as with a lot of other titles or names - holds a lot more glamour than its malay translation).

Appointed officials are considered 'civil servants' and reside at the iconic 10 Downing Street. Operating from such a position, you will get the opportunity to be involved in the heartbeat of the current administration, rub shoulders (among many other body parts you can choose from) with top dignitaries from around the world and be the social and media darling. Downside? You only get paid £100 per year. Oh and you must meow.

As the name suggests, your job is to exterminate the little furry rodents that scamper around the hundred or so rooms at 10 Downing. The last Chief Mouser was Sybil.

Looks like her dad must have been a cow at some stage

Sybil started her term on the 11th September 2007, but failed to settle in and left after six months. It was rumored that Gordon Brown disliked Sybil, though I suspected it was the other way round. She died in July 2009.

Sybil patrolling the grounds

Now, her predecessor was something of a legend. Humphrey held the position so long that he served under 3 Prime Ministers.

Some highlights of Humphrey's career:

-Humphrey was said to be of considerably better value than the Cabinet's professional pest controller who charged £4,000 a year but was reported to have never caught a mouse.

- In November 1993, Humphrey was found to be suffering from a kidney ailment and a strict diet was instituted. A ban on feeding him treats was put in place.

- In June 1994, Humphrey was accused of killing 4 robin chicks who was nesting in a box outside the office of the Prime Minister. Then Prime Minister John Major exonerated him the next day.

- In June the following year, Humphrey went missing. He was found patrolling the nearby Royal Army Medical College where he was taken in on the assumption that he was a stray. Upon his return to 10 Downing, Humphrey issued a statement through the civil service saying, "I have had a wonderful holiday at the Royal Army Medical College, but it is nice to be back and I am looking forward to the new parliamentary session."

- Humphrey was manipulated out of office months after the Blairs moved in to 10 Downing Street. He was apparently sedated and forced into retirement.

- He died March 2006.

I could definitely make use with a Chief Mouser in my office too... but too bad, I'm a dog person.